Free Edvice


Dear Dr. Ed,

My husband is very rich, famous and very, very powerful. He’s been acting very strange the last year and he gets worse by the day. He keeps tweeting nonsensical things and talks to the paintings in our home. This is very odd since many of the paintings aren’t portraits, they’re landscapes. I mean, who talks to a snow-covered bridge? I’ve asked him to see a doctor but he tells me I’m part of the “deep state.” What should I do?

Worried In Washington, DC


Dear Worried,

You should cancel his Twitter account and give him a follow up time out. I’d also suggest sending him to bed with no dessert or cell phone.

If that doesn’t work another option is a brain transplant. There are ways find a donor, you may want to check under “single cell organisms” to find a match.


Dear Dr. Ed,

I’m a former president and I’ve been dead since 1826. I’m worried I’ll be accused of sexual harassment, should I get a lawyer?

Hung Up In Heaven


Dear Hung Up,

If you’re in Heaven chances are you’re okay, besides, where are you going to get a lawyer?


Dear Dr. Ed,

My boyfriend eats spicy food and then gets killer gas. If we’re in the car he auto-locks the windows. I’ve lost three canaries this month and our paint is peeling. He refuses to change his diet or at least step outside. What can I do?

Gassed in Gotham


Dear Gassed,

The next time he rips, outdoors, this is key, light a match and run.